And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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