No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
