I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
