If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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