The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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