I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
