I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
