im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
