just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
