I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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