Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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