Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
