i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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