Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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