If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
