Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
