Im at strip club and am horny
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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