im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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