I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
