I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
