My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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