I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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