Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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