i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
