I wish I could teleport
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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