I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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