Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
