then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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