Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
