OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
