He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
