$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
