I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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