i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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