You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
