i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
