If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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