I need to stop coming to work sober
Fuck appropriateness.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
