She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize