We won't sleep together?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
