We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
