He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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