I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
