I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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