Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
