I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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