she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
