If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My life is pants optional.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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