Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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