You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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