i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
