WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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