Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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