I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
