I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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