Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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