I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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