Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
