i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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