What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
