I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
