I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
