I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
