What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
