You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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