ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
