My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
