God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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