Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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