He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
